It's been a while since I've written anything here. I got some ups but mostly downs on my way to 2012 and started the year by crying my eyes out. I am doing much better now and actually somewhat like my old self again. I smile because I am happy, I do things because I actually want to do them. The project Marja 2012 is what I call the thing that is hopefully going to change my life.
I am going to leave the details from this because they feel too personal for everybody to read. All you need to know that I had severe depression in the end of 2011 and now I am much better. There are things that I don't talk about but I don't think anybody notices any difference. Although I keep a happy front I am a very private person and only lately I have started to tell people how I truly feel. And now I feel great. I can also discuss about my feelings that I had when I was down and tell how I started to feel better.
The big change in my life is that I am writing now almost daily and hopefully I will start writing full time. I am taking small steps to ease my way into the habit of daily writing and later I will set daily goals of writing several pages.
Perhaps one of the biggest things I have discovered about myself that I have never given enough time for adopting better habits like cleaning. One sign of my anxiety is the uncontrollable mess in the apartment. I had a few sessions with a therapist and during the first one she said that I needed to learn how to take care of myself. This is true, since I did not think I deserved any attention from myself. Since then I have slowly adopted daily routines, like washing dishes and putting my clothes in to the wardrobe after use. I have also paid extra attention on what I eat and what I drink. I restated exercising. I started to pay attention to me just because I need it. I started to rediscover myself.
Some people would say that I am lazy and spoiled because I also took some time just for myself. I go to work twice a day but I don't attend school at all. This has probably been the best gift I could've given to myself since with this time I have gotten the strength to stand up (quite literally) and started to have interest on things again.
